


Confession

by livsoulsecrets



Series: Loving you is a losing game [3]
Category: The Last Hours Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, F/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:53:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26776186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/livsoulsecrets/pseuds/livsoulsecrets
Summary: “The truth is rarely pure and never simple.”
Relationships: Cordelia Carstairs/Matthew Fairchild
Series: Loving you is a losing game [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1846753
Kudos: 8
Collections: Fictober20





	Confession

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this for Fictober20, using the first prompt: "No, come back". Hope you enjoy this story with more Angst with Cordelia and Matthew!

Cordelia finds Matthew in the library, with a copy of “The Picture of Dorian Gray” in hand, all his attention focused on the book. His long legs are over one of the chair’s arms. The position looks uncomfortable, but the boy doesn’t seem to mind it. Cordelia can’t help but smile at the sight, not when Matthew seems so relaxed, none of his usual charm deflecting attention from his real self. 

— Each of us has heaven and hell in him. — Matthew reads, looking up. Cordelia gasps, surprised he noticed her. — Do you have both as well, Cordelia? 

— Of course I do. — She answers, fixing her dress before sitting across from Matthew, composing herself. Matthew was looking at her attentively, the way he usually did: as if he knew something she didn’t. She thinks of the lies she kept to this day and adds: — We all have both, I believe. 

— I could argue you have only heaven inside yourself, but you know it better than I do, I suppose. 

— You think too highly of me. — Cordelia dismisses his claim, putting a stead of hair behind her ear. Matthew closes the book and puts it down, moving to sit properly at the chair. 

— Maybe. — He complies, shrugging. — What brings you here? — Matthew asks, bending his head, moving to a topic that would be less controversial. 

— Lucie said she needs to help her mom before we start training, so she told me you were here and could keep me company until she was ready. — Cordelia explains. If Lucie had offered any other boy’s company, Cordelia would have refused it in favor of staying in Lucie’s bedroom and reading her newest “The Beautiful Cordelia” chapter. Thomas and Christopher were lovely and would never behave poorly, but she still felt a bit awkward being alone with them. James was, of course, out of the table, since they broke off their engagement and everything between them became even more complicated and embarrassing. But Matthew was a steady presence in her life now, somebody that she could trust as a friend. 

She still felt like she didn’t know so much about him: why he was so attached to the cursed flask he carried around and why he sometimes felt so distant even standing so close to her. The only thing she knew is that, despite his bad fame and careless facade, Matthew saw Cordelia as herself, not an extension of Lucie or James, not as the product of her parents or as Alastair’s sister, Matthew saw the dreams Cordelia had inside herself and the fears she carried within her heart. It was something she had cherished more and more since the news of her broken engagement reached across all the Shadowhunters society. 

— I guess it is my duty to entertain you meanwhile. — Matthew says, eyes facing Cordelia with attention. 

— I would like nothing more. — She answers, taking some solace in the idea of being distracted by Matthew. He could always make her smile. 

— I am afraid I am not that entertaining today, though. I find myself in a quite monotonous mood. 

— Is that why you are reading “The Picture of Dorian Gray” again? — Cordelia asks, curious. 

— Perhaps it is. I know what will happen in every page of this book, it gives me a sense of comfort. — Matthew explains, caressing the cover of the novel. 

— Well, then you should continue reading it, I can be entertained elsewhere. — She offers, not wishing to disturb him even further. He stays silent for a moment and she takes it as a sign to leave. Cordelia gets up from the chair, ready to flee. 

— Cordelia, no, come back! There is no need for that. — She stops, surprised. — Your presence gives me just as much comfort as the book, don’t misunderstand me. I just did not know how to express it. — Matthew doesn’t face her eyes, which is incredibly out of character for him. Cordelia chuckles with his response and sits back down. 

— I am happy to know that. — She answers and Matthew sighs, relieved. — That being said, wouldn’t it be good for you to talk about what is bothering you? I am a great listener, as Lucie can confirm. — He smiles at her, his hands crossed in his lap. His shoulders are down, as if a weight is pushing Matthew’s body towards the floor. It breaks her heart. 

— I do think it would be good for me. I just do not believe it would be good for anyone else. — He confesses. 

— This is quite a pessimist way to look at it. 

— It is the truth. 

— “The truth is rarely pure and never simple.” — Cordelia quotes, a sad smile on her face. He looks up to her, surprised. 

— That is not Dorian Gray... 

— It is still Oscar Wilde. I did some research on him, I had to know why you adored him so much. 

— And? — Matthew questions. 

— And what? 

— Did you find out why? 

— Yes, I believe I did. — Cordelia complies. — He is a lot like you, very rebellious and strong-willed. It is such a shame he wasn’t understood in the way he deserved. No one should go through what he went through. 

— I completely agree. 

— So, you must agree with him about the truth, right? About it not being so simple? 

— I absolutely do. — Matthew answers, intrigued about where she is going. 

— Therefore, it is impossible for you to know if telling the truth will be bad for anyone. It is not so simple. Taking such shortcut will only upset you further and deeper. I believe you should take a leap of faith and trust me. 

— You are very stubborn. 

— It is my fatal flaw, I believe. 

— Do you wish to know what is mine? — Cordelia nods, interested. 

— Always doing what you ask me to do. — Matthew answers, earning a surprised laugh out of Cordelia. 

— Does it mean you will tell me the truth? — Cordelia is at the edge of her seat, barely controlling her curiosity and concern. 

— I guess one could say that. — Matthew gets up from the chair, his sorrowful posture forgotten now. His eyes are shinning, like he is a mischievous boy plotting something. It is a good change, Cordelia thinks. He walks to her and offers his hand to help her get up. She takes it. 

— Promise me that, no matter what I say, you will not leave. — Matthew whispers, his voice so low she only hears it because he is standing close to her in the silent library. He didn’t let go of her hand yet, she can’t help but notice. 

— I promise. I would never, Matthew. — Cordelia swears, meaning every word she says. He takes a deep breath, finally looking into her eyes, his hands still attached to hers. Matthew seems to be gathering the courage to say something. 

— You are destroying me, Cordelia. — He finally says and Cordelia feels all the air being sucked out of her lungs. The weight of his words is so powerful it feels like he just pushed her out of a cliff. She lets go of his hands in the middle of her shock. — Not because you wish to do so, but because I do. I wish for you every single day. 

She tries to say something, but no words come, Matthew smiles sadly at her, not surprised with her reaction. Cordelia hates how much pain goes through his eyes when he notices her silence, still, she says nothing. 

— I do not expect a future with you. I would be a fool to do so. I know where your heart lays as it is where my heart lays as well in a way. I just needed you to know, even if it is selfish and stupid and reckless. — Matthew barely breathes while he speaks, his heart pounding in his ears. — I need to say it, even if it is only once, even if it is pointless: I love you, Cordelia Carstairs. I love your fierceness every time you walk into battle, I love the courage you carry yourself with no matter what comes your way. I love you because most of the people I know barely exist, but you... You live. You shine brighter than I ever thought was possible to. I love everything that makes you the hero you are. You make me want things I can’t have. I’m aware it is the worst moment for me to tell you this, but I can’t live one more second of my life without you knowing where my devotion lays. It is with you, it will always, always be with you. — Matthew’s eyes are wide, an immensity of green that Cordelia could not handle staring at right now. Her hands are gripping the sides of her dress so strongly she could tear it apart. 

Cordelia had noticed Matthew cared deeply for her, but she never thought, even for a brief moment, that he could love her. Still, here he was, baring his whole heart to her. She felt awful for not having any answer for him. Despite that, Cordelia was also flattered by his words, blushing all over, barely believing someone on Earth could feel so strongly about her, that Matthew of all people could so desperately love her. 

— I’m sorry to burden you with my confession, but I hope you find in your heart the will to forgive me. — Matthew adds, his look was so haunted Cordelia had to fight the urge to reach out for him. She remembered one of the times Matthew took her home, his jacket over her shoulders, his arms surrounding her. She felt safe in his embrace. Looking at him in so much pain, so crushed and hopeless, made Cordelia want to make Matthew feel better. Still, she was painfully aware that the only thing that could truly mend his heart was returning his love completely and, that, she could not do. 

— Oh, Matthew... You know I would always forgive you. — Cordelia says, a sad smile on her lips. — I’m afraid you know how I feel. — Matthew flinches, staring at the ground. He doesn’t seem surprised, but listening to her words still hurt just the same. — I once said anyone you loved would be dear to me. What I never told you is that anyone loved by you is so very lucky. I have been watching you for months now and it is admirable how much love you hold in your heart, for your parents, James, Thomas, Christopher, Anna... So much love you even give it to me. I can’t possibly know what I did to deserve it, but I’m so deeply honored for receiving it. — Cordelia reaches for his hands, his eyes finally facing her. Matthew is quiet, no walls protecting him, nothing keeping them apart. — I really love you, Matthew, so very much. 

— Just not in the same way. — He completes her words, pain flashing trough his eyes while Cordelia holds his hands among hers even tighter. — I understand. 

— Yes... I hope that doesn’t ruin the friendship we built during those last few months. — Cordelia says softly. — I know it is asking for too much, but I don’t want to lose you. I don’t like picturing my life without Matthew Fairchild in it. 

— I imagine it would be very boring. All tones of beige and gray, I suppose. — Matthew offers, an attempt at a smile on his lips. He still looks exhausted, but he also seems somewhat relieved he isn’t hiding this truth from her anymore. Matthew has always been so good at hiding his emotions that Cordelia feels privileged for being able to see him experiencing so much at once. 

— Oh, the saddest ones, it would be a tragedy. — Cordelia agrees, mesmerized by him as she usually is. 

— I- I will need some time, getting used to you knowing the truth, but I promise I won’t wreck our friendship. I will do everything in my power to stay beside you. — Cordelia knows he means it because there is no trace of his usual playfulness in his voice. He is absolutely serious now. It is quite a sight: his carefully brushed hair falling in his eyes, his eyes a bit weary as if looking at Cordelia takes more effort than he can bare, his hands, so surprisingly soft for a Shadowhunter, tangled among hers. She wonders if she is one of the few people that have ever seen Matthew like this in a very long time. That sends an alarm through her whole body and she takes a step back. She is horrified by the thought that crossed her mind. 

— That is all I wish for. — She says, her voice trembling. — Matthew, there is one more thing I must ask of you, if you would allow me. 

— Anything you need. — Matthew complies. Cordelia lets go of Matthew’s hands. He straightens himself up, seeming to miss the contact between them. But what Cordelia is about to say takes a tool of her and she can’t do it still being so connected to him. 

— Matthew, I say this with all the respect I have for you, please, believe me. Still, I must ask: this reckless behavior you have adopted... The lack of regard you show for yourself at times, is it all because of me? I don’t mean to sound arrogant, but the last thing I would ever want was to be the reason of your suffering. I need to know if I’m the sole cause of it. If that is the case, I must do everything in my power to lighten your burden. — Cordelia wished she had succeeded in her intention, that she hadn't offended Matthew or pushed him away for good. 

— My suffering? — Matthew repeated, sounding astonished. — You are concerned about my suffering? — He laughs, but the sound is shallow, no real happiness attached to it. — Cordelia, I wish I could explain to you what truly haunts me, but that would go against what I promised you. I said I wouldn’t ruin our friendship and telling you the truth would do just that. If it eases your heart, know you are not the only source of my pain. Trust me, even the pain you cause me is welcomed into my heart. Don’t feel like you must purposefully ease my distress because your mere presence accomplishes that every time we are united. Don’t ask me to explain it any further. I’m afraid I won’t be able to deny you anything for much longer, so, please, respect my wish. 

Cordelia is still worried for him, wondering what he is hiding from her, from everyone, but she decides she won’t push. She asked away too much from Matthew already, the least Cordelia can do is follow his desire. 

— If you prefer it this way, then, of course, I will not ask for anything else. Just know that if you ever decide to talk about what concerns you, I will be right here. 

— I appreciate that. — He answers, nodding. After that, she couldn’t stop herself any longer, Cordelia took a step towards Matthew and he met her halfway. She wrapped his arms around his neck, holding on to the boy with all of her strength. His arms circled her waist, attaching himself to her as if she would disappear at any moment. — I am glad you told me, despite how hard it must have been for you. — Her head was tucked in the curve of Matthew’s neck, her voice muffled. 

— I am glad for that as well. Thank you, my dear Cordelia, for always knowing the right thing to say. — Matthew whispered back to her, his love becoming their very own secret in that moment, something that bonded the two of them together deeper than anything else ever could. Cordelia found she didn’t want to let the boy go any time soon. Matthew was so familiar to her at this point that being surrounded by him felt natural to her, despite what he just shared with her. Matthew breaks away from her, reluctantly. — I think I must go. I need some time to process everything that happened today. 

— I understand, of course. Just- Promise me you will be okay? — Cordelia asks, her heart heavy. She wishes to ask him to come back to her soon, but she refrains from doing so. 

— I will try. — Matthew answers, reaching for Cordelia’s hand and kissing it softly. She holds her breath, a chill going down that spine. The gesture is somehow more intimate than the hug they just shared. It is Matthew’s last act of vulnerability. 

— It is all one can do. — Cordelia says, watching Matthew carefully while he takes a step away from her. 

— Goodbye for now, Cordelia. — Matthew smiles at her, a bit shy, but just as brilliant as always. She smiles back. 

— Goodbye, Matthew. Only for now. — Cordelia replies, watching him walk away. She sits down at one of the most comfortable chairs of the library, but remains restless. 

For some reason, Cordelia despises watching Matthew leave. It feels awfully wrong, even if she knows it is what he needs to do for now. She can only hope it won’t be too long until he comes back because, if Cordelia is sure of anything, it is that London is more her home than any other place has ever been and Matthew is one of the people responsible for that. 

All she really could do was wait... And she would, for as long as he needed her to.


End file.
